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If you are any sort of car person or care the least bit about your car, there is one daily activity that may make you cringe... parking. Of course, it is not so much the act of parking (even though some people still can't grasp parallel parking), it is more of those around you that care far less for their vehicles (and yours) to put any effort into parking properly.

It's not hard. There are even lines on the ground for you to follow. Park between them. Try to keep the spaces even. And don't be an asshole.

Unfortunately there are far too many people who are somehow unable to follow these simple concepts. So I thought I'd put together a little "slideshow" of parking tips.

Let's start with the proper way to park...

Figure 1.0: Parking Properly

Figure 1.0: Parking Properly

Notice both vehicles are evenly spaced within their relative parking spots. Notice no one is crooked or parked on a line. Notice one car is not 6" from the other. These are the things you should be aware of and look for.

Let's move to an example of how not to park...

Figure 1.1: The Crooked Parker

Figure 1.1: The Crooked Parker

The Crooked Parker is notorious for improperly approaching the space as they park. If you enter at the wrong angle and don't bother to straighten out, you screw everyone else over. What's worse is these are the people who cannot take an extra 25-30 seconds to back out and straighten up in the space. You're essentially taking up 2 spaces now by being lazy and everyone hates you. Good job.

This next example is something I fear every day. The Close Parker. I routinely check my doors for marks when I notice people like this near my car.

Figure 1.2: The Close Parker

Figure 1.2: The Close Parker

The Close Parker has no concept of personal space and likely does not consider their vehicle anything more than an appliance to go from A to B. And while that is not necessarily a bad thing, whipping your door open into the side of my car because you have zero consideration for the property of others or an awareness of your surroundings IS a bad thing. I hope you DIAF.

Moving on...

Figure 1.3: The Perpendicular Parker

Figure 1.3: The Perpendicular Parker

The Perpendicular Parker has some inner desire to park like a retard. Not because they're retarded (who knows though) but because they think they're cool. Or perhaps they think their car is cool. I don't know. Either way, they're retarded. Unless you are pulling a trailer and do not fit into a normal space and even then park WAY far away from everyone else, you're a douche and I hate you.

There's a common variation of the Perpendicular Parker as well...

Figure 1.4: The Straddler

Figure 1.4: The Straddler

The Straddler is another person who often likes to think their car is too cool to have others park near it - and while that concept is fine, the execution is very poor. They often will purposely take up 2 spaces by straddling the yellow line. And they are usually also douchebags.

There is one type of parker that bothers me more than any other though...

Figure 1.5: The Asshole

Figure 1.5: The Asshole

For some reason The Asshole thinks that they are being funny by parking right next to someone who obviously cares about their vehicle and purposely goes out of the way to avoid just such people when parking in a large area.

If I take the time to park farther away (min 5-7 empty spaces) from everyone else and walk the extra distance into the store, it is because I don't want any other stupid people parking near me. And when someone is dumb enough to park right next to me when there are plenty of other open spaces available, I want to piss on their door handle.

So there you go. Remember, it is very simple. Pretend you're coloring like when you were a kid. Stay within the lines. Try to keep the space even. The rest of us will thank you for it... trust me.

3 COMMENTS ON THIS POST To “Parking 101: How to Not Suck”

  • Tomas - University Place, WA

    February 19, 2011 at 12:46 am

    I’ve found the extra wide parking slots with no parking areas next to them to be one of the greatest advantages of being able to park in handicapped spots these days… They give me a little “safe space” from “those who suck.”

  • Crankymamma

    May 3, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    I did a quick post about this on my blog but you covered it so much better. I love it! I’m going to put a link to this on my page. Just awesome! I’m not the only one who feels like this.